Are you willing to change?

Change. I cannot even count the times my life has changed. And we’re not talking about small changes. We’re talking massive and drastic changes, that has turned my life upside down and forced me to choose a new direction for my life.

It feels like I’ve lived ten different lives already, and I’m only thirty-two. I have lived in many different cities, and haven’t stayed in the same apartment for more than two years in a row since I was seventeen. That makes up a lot of homes, nineteen the past thirteen years to be accurate. I’ve had many different jobs and attended several different schools and universities. Hopped on and hopped off. I have changed my mind over and over again.

There has been a feeling of rootlessness and restlessness, and I have been searching. For a long time. Not really understanding myself, others, or where I was going. I never had a clear vision of what I wanted to do with my life, and every time I thought that «this is it», my roots have been torn up from the bottom and tossed in the opposite direction.

I have tried to fit in everywhere, worn different masks and personalities to match my circumstances. I’ve often missed the deep friendships that you see on TV, and I’ve struggled to understand how people make those close relationships work.

My style and interests shifted so often that I never really got good at anything. I’ve had a bridge-burning mentality meaning that whenever something didn’t work out the way I thought it would, I would set the bridge on fire and never look back.

Bridge-burning

This mentality caused me many of my relationships. Nevertheless, we can only change the future, not the past, and I’m not a regretful person. I did what I thought was right, and that’s ok. I will always forgive my past self, cause she did the best she could with her level of knowledge and tools.

Luckily I have extreme stamina and confidence in myself. I have never felt lonely, even though I have been alone for many periods of my life. And by alone, I mean really alone. Not single and without a boyfriend, but without a stable network of people that I could trust and lean into. I am my own best friend, and I always have been.

I believe that life never serves us more challenges than we can handle and that every challenge is here to teach us a lesson. If we don’t learn from one challenge, we will get the same dilemma in a different wrapping again and again, until we break the pattern and move on.  

Breaking the patterns

Approximately five years ago, I decided that I was gonna learn from my mistakes and life’s circumstances. Break my patterns and grow. A lot.

I’ve gone from being a tough, masculine, cold and egoistic person, to a softer, more feminine, loving and empathic person. I’ve cracked open slowly, thanks to the people around me. People who love me, see me and are there for me every day. But also the people who have hurt me the most.  They have pushed me to choose a better approach to life, and the more shit I get thrown at me, the softer I become. When you see wrong, don’t do wrong. Do good. And I have decided to choose love, openness and empathy. This doesn’t mean that I’m perfect, but I’m conscious, and I get a little better every time.

It was and is a slow process, but it is damn worth the work. To be honest, I would not hang out with the twenty-year-old me. Like never. So I would have done the job over again, no question about it. I’ve still got some toughness left in me, but that’s a part of my personality that I want to keep for different reasons. I am an Aries after all, and there is a lot of fire present.

Allowing change to happen

Luckily, I’ve had the openness and ability to see myself, and I’ve been willing to change. I’ve let the pride go, and that has freed me up to admit that what I thought was true yesterday, might not be accurate today. The process of changing requires us to let go of our past beliefs, patterns and thoughts. We can’t drag the past with us and still make room for the new. That will simply cause overwhelm and confusion.

The more I get to know my self, I understand that even though I’ve been the tough tomgirl with the hard shell and big walls around me, I was born a soft and emotional girl. The circumstances in my childhood and life did not allow her to come through. But the more grounding, safety and love I have given myself, the more she’s been allowed to shine. And when she shines, everything feels safe, juicy and enjoyable.

But what if I didn’t believe that I could change? Or what if I was too proud to change? To admit that I’ve been wrong countless times, both in the way I’ve acted, the desitions I’ve made, and the way I’ve treated myself and others? Would I have grown into the person I am today? No. Not at all.

So what can you learn from this? Well, know that you can change. Decondition yourself. Know that you can take something dark, shine a light on it and shift it. That even if it takes ten years of hard work, it is so worth it. The pleasure of becoming who you were meant to be since the beginning is beyond beautiful. And it’s the only right thing to do. But you must be willing to swallow your words, let go of your pride and some parts of your past self. To grow and choose a new and better direction, no matter what people think. Growth is uncomfortable, but living in a skin that’s not meant to be yours is painful.